An English In Kentucky
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An English In Kentucky
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HORRORSCOPES (Reprinted
here without permission from http://mammothsheet.com/) By
Clouds McCloud Aquarius:
In case your pooch has too much
of a paunch, there’s a new diet pill on
the market for dogs called Slentrol. It’s said
to attack “Lab Flab,” but still works for
dumpy Dalmatians or chubby The
lesson here is that there’s always
an easier way to do everything, especially
if you’re fat and lazy and have access
to a credit card. Pisces:
Scientists have determined that for
dolphins to be happy and healthy they need
to have forms of sexual expression. So
it looks like our intelligent aquatic friends
had even more in common with us
than we thought. To help you get in touch
with your inner Flipper, try this line out
for starters, “You be the boss, applesauce, and
I’ll be the pork chop.” Aries:
It’s awfully tough in the midst of winter’s
harshest, darkest days to stay in touch
with our bodies because they’re usually
buried under bulky sweaters and stuffy
underpants. Therefore your assignment is
to remember that just about the happiest
any of us ever really gets is when we’ve
got nothing on but the radio, and we’ve
got an extra pair hands on hand to help
fiddle with the knobs. Taurus:
A pregnant Chicago Bears fan is offering
to trade her protruding belly as a
billboard in exchange for two tickets to
the Super Bowl. This, of course, takes childhood
acting to a whole new level. If
you ever find yourself selling some of your
body parts for advertising please be
advised that your life may have taken a
turn in the wrong direction. But don’t worry,
life does allow u-turns—so long as you
use a hand signal and holler out “Woo Hoo!” Gemini:
The moon enters Gemini this weekend
and as you’re no doubt aware, weekends
were made for Michelob. Therefore Mondays
must have been made for Mad
Dog 20/20 and Wednesdays (Hump Days)
must have been made for Jack Daniels. Now
that this has been cleared up, the
Stars say this would be a good time to go
on the wagon. Cancer:
If you look at it this way—your life
is the gift you always dreamt it could be
and everything in the universe is working to
help you—then you’re all set. If you look
at it this way—life is a cruel joke and then
you die, usually lonely, broke and smelling
like cheese—then it’s either time to
stop doing drugs, or maybe to start doing some
of the fun kinds—like fresh oxygen. Leo:
The Stars would like you to know that
all that rumbling you’ve been feeling recently
is being caused by big cathartic barrels
of pleasure and change rolling your way
because, as they say, your life is about to
be on like Donkey Kong. All you’ve got to
do now is give permission to yourself to
be yourself, to be happy, cranky, stinky, horny
and occasionally willing to hop around
like a big goofy gorilla. Virgo:
Your words of wisdom for the week come
from fellow Virgo, Van “the Man” Morrison,
“And if you live the life you love,
you’ll get the blessing from above.” Your
words of anti-advice will come from Clouds,
“And if you don’t love who you are,
the rest of us will never be willing to pay
to love you.” Libra:
The Inuit Eskimo word for sex actually translates
as “Laughing together in bed.”
This definition usually suits Libras well,
for they are happiest and most likely to
be able to laugh when they are in a long committed
relationship. And as anyone who’s
ever been a in a long committed relationship
knows well, regular sessions of
laughter and lovemaking are your only real
chances for success. Scorpio:
Studies now show that more than
9 out of 10 American households are technically
considered to be dysfunctional. So
there’s nothing really unique about your
laments about your family. The only thing
that’s really going to help is to remember that
you don’t always have to like
the various odd parts of your family, all
you have to do is love‘em. Sagittarius:
Scholars have long debated about
what came first, the chicken or the
egg. Clouds, like most of you, really couldn’t
give a fart, so long as the chicken is
served with mashed potatoes and egg with
a juicy side of bacon. The best foods for
Sags are green peppers, tomatoes, prunes,
potatoes, whole wheat and eggs, also
known as “breakfast.” Capricorn:
Your advice for the week will come
from the nation’s favorite expert on just
about everything, that bald-headed beauty,
Dr. Phil. “You’ve got to be able to get
excited about who you are!” (Clouds Warning:
Just don’t go getting so excited about
yourself that you never leave the house.)
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